The Right Time
19 August Saturday
36 years x months x days. Another Saturday morning. I am at the children's playground next to our place, having my morning coffee and the first cigarette of the day. After yesterday’s cup game that we lost on penalties, I spent my entire night and now my morning thinking about my disappointing performances, as I do for almost everything. As a writer, speaker, thinker, journalist, musician, blogger, guitarist, footballer, producer, bartender. Well, maybe not for everything but mostly. “Not good enough,” my conscience says most of the time, waking up all the sleeping dogs inside me. Only this time, I do something differently, I continue trying compared to how I handled things before. I used to give up on things easily, as well as I did with people.
I have been searching for an answer to the question: when’s the time to continue trying and when’s the time you have to realize that it’s not working, time to move on? At times, I find myself applying both to myself in situations. And in the end, I’ve got situations that I keep on trying because I know I can do better whereas in other situations I just continue, holding onto an idea, hoping that I’ll be right in the end, it’s just not the right time yet.
It doesn’t feel like living my life anymore. This is a different game with different people, mentality, treatment, and rules. Here in Switzerland, you are expected to be nothing short of an accomplished person at whatever you do, which I guess I’m not. The situation makes me pay for being an independent person all this time, not taking the easy, conservative way in life. Fortunately or unfortunately, I've never been too obsessed with anything except for music and football, which brought me here to this children's playground today where I don’t have enough education and specialty in any industry that is available in the Swiss market.
The last time I had the realization of this was when I went to my room in my parent’s place not long ago on July 23. Although I feel like a better, sportier, wiser, and much more experienced man now, none of these qualities get me anywhere for some time. I have been making the hardest effort as I have been suffering the most for the last two-three years, fighting with all my demons in my head alone, looking for answers, and blaming myself. It’s just the first time I started writing about them as a way of getting rid of some of this negativity that I am exhausted from carrying. For some questions, I’ve got the answers; for others, just waiting for the right time, that I don’t have any clue. No one to cry to, no place to call home.
Feel free to join the conversation in the comments below. Thank you for reading.
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