August 5th, Saturday morning, 5:45 AM.
Another morning of a sleepless, restless night. The second time I couldn't get proper sleep on the day we have the opening game of the season, which means something to me. The same thing happened only a few days ago, on the first training day, for a reason I am very well aware of, and today is the second.
I have never read a story that begins with the second chapter, so this might be the first. I opened my eyes today in total darkness at about 4 am with the feeling of writing these thoughts down. Strangely enough, it echoed in my brain as a good idea, once again after many times. Remembering now in my dream, there was a recording studio I visited together with a few musicians, an event like I was taking a band to the studio of someone (producer/studio owner/audio engineer) I knew. As a matter of fact, they don't exist in the real world, yet it was also the first time I was seeing that place and everyone else in person. So, most possibly, it was happening after being in contact for some time on the internet.
Couldn't help but blame myself for not being fully prepared for the meeting at the end of the day, and once again unconsciously judged and criticized everything the studio was so proud of doing. They had terribly filmed and produced videos introducing the studio and its location, then told us the story of why they were so proud of being the studio with the highest digital audio production capabilities in Switzerland. I found that strange too.
What does it really mean? Being the most capable digital audio recording/producing studio? How does it differ from recording at home on your personal computer? As usual, I just minded my own thing and didn't bother asking a question. After some blurry time, I remember hearing one of the band members started tracking his instrument, while I ask myself whether I should stay until the end of today's session, or better to go home and take a good nap. Craving for sleep while I am dreaming these things? Also strange.
The next picture was happening on another floor in the same building. I saw a few people while smoking in that surreal place, who do exist in the real world, some guys I know from the university. After recognizing each other and shaking hands, and maybe even a brief chatter on how everything was, it was the part where I've felt that disturbing feeling, it just wasn't a pleasant day in this unpleasant dream.
I have lost count of how many things in my life are waiting for the right time to happen. You think you have them under control, until they no longer are.
Dealing with backlogs in life and it has been a while since the last time I felt I was in full control. It doesn't feel like you are in trouble, yet you might be right around the next corner. So you just stop. Stop counting. It takes a lot of heart, it takes a lot of courage that you currently don't have. Fighting the longest battle in my life for more than a year and a half today. A new chapter in life, this time in excessive pain, fear, and anger, a bitter realization of losing control, lives out of their course. Leaving emotions aside and seeing the reality takes a lot of courage.
I have no idea how much time it takes. On one hand, months pass fearlessly fast; on another, you feel like living the same day every day. Since you are already past the point of admitting it to yourself, this way or another, that day is coming. Happiness and sorrow, wins and failures, love and hate, all waiting for the right time, but they are all coming. Some call it destiny, some name it life. Here's to all wins and failures.
Feel free to join the conversation in the comments below. Thank you for reading.
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