Hope and Hopelessness
February 2nd, Friday.
A relatively calm day with a still mind and depressive weather here in the Swiss Alps. Soon, it will be the second year since the war started in Ukraine and changed everything forever. Now, on this day in my surreal life since that breaking point, I find myself experiencing both hope and hopelessness without legitimate progress on paper.
Not having a clear plan or objective is one thing; finding the motivation, the energy, and executing with discipline is another challenge. Admitting it to yourself sometimes takes more time than anyone could have imagined, just like in my example. Life can turn out to be very demanding at times, catching you off guard, ending up questioning, regretting, repenting, blaming, and in some cases, hating yourself. I remember times experiencing living in the present and living in the past, well-aware of their simultaneous give and take. And most importantly, I experienced the change in the concept of time in my mind. Days lose their worth and excitement as you are only focusing on the end results, which isn't healthy. You've got explosive energy inside yet don't find a healthy way to use it. Stuck between sometimes physical, sometimes mental walls that imprison you, draining all the vital energy you need. Since losing hope and faith is never an option for a middle-aged parent like me, it has been a while since I stopped interpreting life rationally. Now here I am, having my morning cigarettes and coffee, looking at this view in the institution.
There are no beginnings and endings in my mind when I write. It has been a question in my mind that I still don't have the answer for; the harder I tried to be closer to becoming my ultimate version, the more I found myself distanced through the years. That is a fact. Yet, it appears not to be the most important question, is it? There is no limit to falling in life, which is scarier than all for the time being. Life going off its course is fatal, having serious consequences, at least for me. Dynamics have a balance between each other for reasons that we don't necessarily question before being in a situation. The connection you have with the environment and people, among all other things, doesn't happen to be the same once you get reset, in my case for global reasons. And now, it seems like I have different settings throughout, thinking, feeling, and urging entirely different than I wouldn't have imagined anytime before.
There is a reason why I decided to write and publish these articles and today is the first day of my next one and a half months period of another major change where I can't afford to go any lower than this if I'm entirely honest. Who would? Among all the factors that beat you up in periods like these, you find yourself having the most exhausting battle with yourself. So I had to start writing, because I don't need them.
All my life, Fridays have always been my favorite day of the week. One of the reasons why I could find the inspiration to write is thanks to a Friday. Another weekend is waiting for me with all its unknowns and uncertainties, also with a little bit of hope and excitement. Regardless of what I imagine myself doing, whether with friends or being alone in my office, there's only one thing that I'd wish above all: being at peace with yourself. I am in need of peace with myself, for Ukraine, for the Middle East, and for the entire planet.
Feel free to join the conversation in the comments below. Thank you for reading.
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